My Holy Joy

St. Augustine wrote Confessions in 397 AD. It was a personal outpouring of his soul to God, a prayerful account of his life, and a thoughtful pondering of God’s mysterious ways. Early in his book, Augustine sets forth an eclectic description of God…

“What, then, are you, O my God—what, I ask, but the Lord God? Who is Lord but the Lord? Who is God save our God? Most high, most excellent, most potent, most omnipotent; most merciful and most just; most hidden and most near; most beautiful and most strong; unchangeable, yet changing all things; never new, never old; making all things new, yet bringing old age upon the proud; always working, yet ever at rest; gathering, yet needing nothing; sustaining, pervading, and protecting; creating, nourishing, and developing; seeking, and yet possessing all things. You love without lusting; are jealous, yet free from care; repent, and have no sorrow; are angry, yet serene; change your ways, leaving your plans unchanged; recover what you find without ever losing; are never in want, while you rejoice in gain; never greedy, though requiring interest. You pay debts while owing nothing; and when you forgive debts, you lose nothing…. O my God, my life, my holy joy.”

Sometimes I forget to ask that question: “What, then, are you, O my God?” I forget to ask it intentionally, in a way that breaks to the heart of my soul and makes me face the parts of my being that are not directly given to God. So often I am perfectly comfortable with what I already know of God. In my mind I may recite the things of God I know I should say—“God is great; God is good; let us thank Him for this food.”—those rut-like rudimentaries I inherit from the habits of faith borne out of amazing experiences with God, which have over time lost their umph.

But there are other times too. There are moments in life when I stop to think about God, asking the deeper questions that go beyond my own world, questions striking at the very heart of God’s character and identity. Who are you? Who are you, really? Why did you make me? Why am I here? Why do you love me so much? Why do you want me to be yours? These are the questions that lead me to greater faith, because they lead me to God. They allow me the opportunity to open myself before God and struggle with the complexities of faith, the deeper doubts of life, and the changing relationship I have with Him. They give me the grace to offer up my own inadequate ideas of God, and come face to face with the Absolute One, the Living God, and recognize that when all is said and done, He is the One who paid my debt and forgave even a sinner like me! “O my God, my life, my holy joy.”